Chris Cote presents...Guitar Face: Five Facials to Make the Crowd Think You Are Ripping

Guitar-Face can best be explained as the “expression on the face of a man or woman shredding the shit out of a guitar.” History has taught us that guitar face is something that is unique to each guitarist and to each guitar note. It’s widely believed that guitar-face is a skill that one is born with, therefore can’t be taught. That is true to an extent, but as a person who has been studying guitar-face since the early 80s, I believe that with practice, perseverance, and some good old-fashioned grit, any of you can learn the art of making a sick ass guitar-face. The lesson starts now! Here are five entry-level guitar faces that YOU can learn today! All you need is a mirror, any type of guitar (or tennis racquet, broom, golf club, air guitar, etc.) and a kick ass sound system with speakers pointed right at your face. Let’s begin …

1. Angry Face

Angry face is a great face to start with when learning basic guitar-face skills. On a scale of difficulty from 1 to 10—angry face is about a 2. Everybody’s been angry at some point, so what you need to do is tap in to a moment in your life that you were angry as hell and use that anger to help you contort your face in to a pissed off expression—i.e. “Angry Face Guitar Face”. Some great angry face makers include infamous dickhead, but great guitar player, Dave Mustaine of Megadeth. All guitar-playing members of Slayer get really pissed when they play. And while he may not be angry, Mike Dirnt from Green Day’s usual guitar face is somewhere in between angry and psychotic, which is good. Here’s my example of angry face. This face is best made when listening to speed metal or death metal. Not recommended for soft rock or jazz. 

2. Pain Face

Pain is good, especially when it comes to guitar playing. This face should be made while playing long high-end solos. Your face should look like you just got stung on the balls (or vagina) by a blue bottle jellyfish and you feel like you’re about to die. If you can’t imagine what that kind of pain feels like, go ahead and punch yourself in the privates or kick your toes barefoot into a wall as hard as you can—use that pain to make this killer guitar face. Great “pain face” players include the late greats Stevie Ray Vaughn and Jimmy Hendrix, Carlos Santana does some great ones, as well as Bruce Springsteen—but the undisputed king of “pain face” is Fleetwood Mac’s, Lindsay Buckingham—in mid solo, the dude looks like he’s dying. It’s awesome.

3. Flirty Face

What’s the number one reason any guitar player on Earth decided to pick up a guitar and learn how to play? Chicks. Duh. Well, if you want to get chicks, you must learn the subtle “flirty face” guitar face. There’s not really much to this one. All you have to do is practice looking at yourself in the mirror and pretend that you’re looking at a really hot babe (or dude) that you want to trick into making out with you. The lip bite is a good way to start. From there you can purse your lips out in a kissy shape, and if you really want to get nasty, lick your lips for added juiciness. Mostly used by the raunchy hair metal stars of the late 80s, this face can be tricky and a lot of times straight up douchey, but if used properly, you will get laid. Just ask Dave Navarro, Prince, and even Tom Delonge, who’s bitten his lip during more than a few ripping guitar solos. Check out my “flirty face” and tell you don’t want to bang me. 

4. O Face

Ever had an orgasm? Enough said—remember the face you made mid-orgasm and take it to the stage. 

5.  Kitchen Sink Face

Sometimes all these faces combined can make an obnoxious facial scene of epic proportions—you know, like throwing everything at it but the kitchen sink. Only real players can master this look, but when they do, magic happens. Right now, sadly, John Mayer is making some of the best guitar faces using the “kitchen sink face” and that’s just wrong. Past “ksf” masters have included Steve Miller, Eddie Van Halen, Joe Walsh (the Eagles) and the godfather of the guitar face, BB King. Take all the faces you’ve learned in this lesson, put them all together, strain so hard that you feel like you’re gonna pop a blood vessel, grind your teeth to nubs, and crap your pants—now hold it till your guitar solo is over. If you don’t have a headache by the end of your solo, you’re doing it wrong.

So there you have it, now that you’re face is looking like you know what you’re doing, set up some shows and put these faces to the ultimate test. Can’t play guitar? Who cares! Plug in, turn up, and get your faces going—if you practice hard enough at guitar face making, no one will even know if you can’t play. Good luck and have fun with all the sex you’re about to have.

Guitar faces not to make:

Happy—no one wants to see a happy guitar player. What? Are you in a jam band?

Confused—did you forget your guitar lick? Are you on weed? What the hell is wrong with you? No guitar player should ever look confused.

Innocent—innocence is not an emotion or feeling any guitar player should have. Guitar players are evil, act like it.

Jared Leto—never ever make any faces that Jared Leto makes. Trust me on this one. 


Posted Sep 21, 2012 02:27:31 pm

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